Monday, February 15, 2010

Bye Bye Little One

Today is a very sad day :(  It didn't start off this way though. KB and I had a very good morning, listening to music while we're getting ready.  She even wanted me to hold her and cuddle for a good 5 minutes before we left the house.  After dropping her off at daycare, I headed to McDonalds to study before my OB appointment.  After waiting for 40 minutes in the waiting room, I was called back for my check up.  The dr started listening for the heartbeat and had trouble with the doppler so he had the nurse bring in the portable ultrasound machine. He was blocking the view but neither he nor the nurse said a word during it.  Then he put it away and said he wanted me to get a real ultrasound at the imaging center.  He said some women aren't able to hear a heartbeat on the doppler until about 12 or 13 weeks and because I emptied my bladder when I got there, that it was hard to find my uterus.  I asked him if he thought something was wrong and he said there was no reason to think that since I haven't had any bleeding or cramps. So they sent me straight there... I knew they had to be worried b/c they didn't schedule me an appointment, they just worked me in.  I called Homer and told him to meet me there because I was afraid something was wrong. Once we got back to the room, she did it on the belly and said she couldn't see as well and needed to do an intravaginal ultrasound.  Then she clicked and probed for a few minutes and said, "we have 3 ways to check the fetal heartbeat (and explained them all). But we're not showing one in any of them."  She said the baby had stopped receiving blood and it's heart had stopped. It had also stopped growing since the last ultrasound.  At this point, I started crying and I'm not sure what else she said.  We talked to a few more people and were sent back to my dr's office.  He said it's called a "missed abortion." Where more than likely the baby had a genetic or chromosomal defect that would not have survived.  My body still thinks its pregnant, which technically it is.  He said that 1 out of 5 new patients will have a miscarriage and that most women will if they undergo enough pregnancies.  Since we had a successful pregnancy in the past, he does not feel that our chances of having another are any less than before.  But it doesn't make the emotional pain any less.  I set up surgery for Wednesday when he'll do a D&C to clean out my uterus.  I hate having to go on with my life the next few days knowing I'm carrying my lifeless baby.  I have exams for the next 3 days. Today was supposed to be a big cram-session, but I've spent it going back and forth from drs and going by my school to turn in my excuse for wed and thurs.  I'm waiting to hear back on when I need to make them up and if I need to plan on taking the one tomorrow or not. But it's so hard to concentrate! All I want to do is go get Kaylee Beth from day care and hold her. 

Even though my baby was only with us for 11 weeks, we have all grown attached to it, and I already miss it! I may never know the sex of my little baby, but it'll always be with me...

1 comment:

  1. Allison, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine how painful it is for you.

    When you're emotionally and physically ready to try again, I hope you will still share it with us through your blog. I will be praying for you now and then

    -Caroline Pridgen